Leon and I moved in together five months after we met.
Two months later, the bugs [[came.->leon /1]]
I worked a lot back then.
Not because I needed to: our flat was rent-controlled, and we lived on what we had. When money was tight, Leon would use the library.
This irked the librarians, as Leon was a destructive reader: he’d return his victims with broken spines and bent corners, if they were [[returned at all->leon /3]]
I worked at our local coffee shop, which was busy from eight to nine thirty, but quiet for the rest of the day.
Come springtime, students would gather around the sockets, plugging in their devices and zoning out often.
The café had beautiful glass-stained windows, which filled the room with heat and colour.
I watched as people forgot about the coffee behind their laptop, the drink so carefully prepared, now cold and stale.
I saw people meet up with strangers, I saw lovers say their goodbyes.
I saw parents breaking bad news and children surprising them in return.
I saw toddlers throwing tantrums, tired young mothers - always mothers.
I saw an old woman who came in every day [[until she didn't.->leon /4]]
When I worked the close, I tidied, I cleaned, I scrubbed and I prepped.
I handled the cash register and took home whatever was left in the tip jar.
If any of my coworkers resented me for this, they did not let it show.
Perhaps because I worked hard, which meant their work [[could be slow->leon /5]]Leon liked sweet scents: cherry, strawberry, vanilla.
He preferred bodies to smell like sweets and taste like the sea.
I never understood how the stark difference between the two did not bother him.
I prefer skin sweaty and earthy, even slightly metallic if possible.
I liked the roughness of a freshly healed cut on my lips, how his fingers would be dry and acidic after a night of slicing lemons and squeezing limes.
I begged him not to wear aftershave, and on days he didn’t work, he complied.
When he did leave the house, he sprinkled himself in whatever spray his mother got him for Christmas, and hid under [[this musky film.->leon /7]]After locking up, I would light up a cigarette and walk to the bus stop.
If I was tired, I would have time for two cigarettes.
If I walked at my usual pace, I could only fit in one.
I didn’t smoke at the bus stop.
There’s always a sign.
I don’t like breaking the law, and a fine seemed like a waste of money to me.
Because of course there would be a fine, of course it would be just my luck.
When the bus arrived, I would chew two pieces of gum and sanitise my hands with a (text-colour:magenta)[[[cherry-scented gel->leon /6]]]I don’t think he enjoyed his job, but he never made any efforts to look for something else.
When I asked him what he wanted from life, he looked at me as if I were a stranger.
‘What kind of question is that’,
(align:"==>")[his eyes would say.]
‘The wrong one’,
(align:"==>")[mine would reply. ]
What I really wanted to ask, was much less vague and therefore [[much more terrifying. ->leon /8]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[‘Do you want me?’
is what I meant.
‘I am reading’
[[he said.->leon /9]] ]When I met Leon, I thought he was my age.
Or perhaps, I wanted to believe he was.
He had frown lines on his forehead, and little crow’s feet which lingered after he smiled.
His laugh was youthful, but his eyes were not.
I slept with him hours [[after we met. ->leon /10]]He walked into the café the day he moved here, and asked me for directions.
I gave him my number instead.
We went for a drink at an overpriced gastro pub and made fun of middle class families playing façades.
'He bought her a set of diamond earrings because he’s fucking his (link-reveal:"assistant.'")[
‘He thinks she doesn’t know, but she’s relieved he no longer touches (link-reveal:"her.'")[
‘Their eldest son is a bully. He’s frustrated because he keeps seeing his sister’s face when he tries to (link-reveal:"masturbate.'")[
‘Their youngest is depressed, but would never do anything (link-reveal: "about it.'") [
At this, I don’t laugh. My body tenses. [[He notices. ->leon /11]]
]]]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[‘Too far?’
he asks.
‘Too close’
[[I think.-> leon /12]]]I learn he likes me (link-reveal:"this way:")[
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[(text-style:"expand")[temporarily satisfied,
sickly sweet
and in a bearable amount of [[pain. -> leon /15]]] ]]I don’t want to (link-reveal:"explain") [ so I kiss him instead.]
The kiss is (link-reveal:"good")[ so I ask him to meet me in the bathroom.]
He settles (link-reveal:"the bill") [ and does [[as he’s told. ->leon /13]]]When we fuck, he puts his hand over my mouth to muffle any (link-reveal:"escaping sounds.") [
It makes it difficult to breathe, which makes it easy to come.
I dig my nails in his neck and (link-reveal:"tell him") [
'it’s okay, I’m on (link-reveal:"birth control.'")[
After he comes, he kisses my hands.
They smell of (text-colour:magenta)[strawberry laces]; the soap in the pub’s bathroom left me little choice.
I relax as he bites [[my thumb.->leon /14]] ]]]
When we started looking for places to live, we had very little criteria.
The flat needed to be affordable and dry.
My previous apartment had flooded after a faulty washing machine broke down.
I had aired the place for months, but it never quite seemed to dry up.
The walls felt wet, the floors stuck to my feet, and breathing came close to drowning. The shower was permanently inhabited by slugs, so I never felt clean.
We rarely had sex at my place, but he didn’t seem to (link-reveal:"mind.")[
There was so much open space for us to [[explore.-> leon /16]]]We found our flat by accident, when a regular mentioned her tenants were moving out.
The flat was cheap, too cheap, but it was dry.
It had wooden floors and high ceilings.
The building had been built in the seventies and had barely been updated since.
The lights in the hallways always buzzed, like a humming that welcomed you home.
I signed a lease [[on the spot.-> leon /17]]We did not put his name on the contract, as he did not work frequently enough to seem (link-reveal:"a reliable tenant.")[
Also, as I said, he was younger: he had no references and hardly (link-reveal:"a decent credit score.")[
I, on the other hand, was nearing thirty, had never made much of a fuss with previous landlords, and had a permanent job as (link-reveal:" an assistant manager.")[
That, and our new landlady knew exactly where to find me in case she [[needed to.->leon /18]] ]]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[The flat seemed like a new start,
(after:2s)[and in some ways,]
(after:4s)[[[it was.-> leon /19]]] ]Leon was a bartender, on nights when he felt like it.
Other nights, he would simply stay at home and read a book.
He read voraciously, which I found enviable and embarrassing.
He was eight years younger than me, but had ticked off more of Reader’s Digest’s ‘//100 Books To Read Before You Die//’ list than I had.
I consoled myself by thinking this simply meant he would die sooner, or at least, [[before I did. ->leon /2]] Leon already worked very little then, so the flat quickly became his fortress.
I felt like I needed permission to enter.
Leon never understood this sentiment: he still walked into his previous home whenever he wanted to.
He had a set of keys which his housemates had (link-reveal: "never asked after.")[
When he was (link-reveal:"hungry,") [ he fed himself with snacks from their pantry. ]
When he ran out of (link-reveal:"books,") [ he waded through their bookshelves for something new, something interesting. ]
If any of them complained about his behaviour, he’d invite them to his place of work for a night of [[free drinks. -> leon/21]]]The first few weeks were blissful: half of the boxes were left unpacked, as we spent the majority of our time naked and in bed.
Before we put the bed together, we simply put a blanket on the floor.
It wasn’t comfortable, but it gave a veneer of softness to the (link-reveal: "hardwood floors.")[
I had a lot of splinters [[in those days -> leon /20]]]The drinks, of course, weren’t his to give away for free.
But Leon did not care about the (link-reveal:"concept of ownership:") [
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[what he had access to, instantly became his. ]]
Additionally, if anything had (link-reveal:"once been his,") [(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[ it remained so [[forever. -> leon /22]] ]](align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The more time passed, the less welcome I felt in my (link-reveal:"own home.")[
Books lined the walls, and I was tired of dirty dishes filling up the sink.
I thought about how I’d (link-reveal:"confront him")[, but I never did. ]
Telling him how to behave made me feel old.
I ignored the dust piling up and cleaned what I could, when I could.
(link-reveal:"In any case,")[ I preferred the dust to the mould I [[used to live in. -> leon /23]]]]
]Two months after we moved in, I came home very late.
I told Leon I had an event to prepare for, some writer who had organised a reading at (link-reveal: "the café.") [
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[[[This wasn't true.-> leon /24]]]]I had recently hired (link-reveal: "a new coworker")[, whom I found much too attractive to work with on a daily basis.
I only gave her (link-reveal:"a few shifts a week")[, but I noticed how much I looked forward to those particular days.
It annoyed me that I couldn’t see her outside of work, but I knew it would cross a line.
Instead, I came up with excuses to start early and stay late, organised staff training days and one-on-one meetings in the stockroom that didn’t [[need to be had. -> leon /25]]]]I’m sure she felt (link-reveal:"flattered")[, but did not get the feeling she was [[interested.-> leon /26]]]That night, we sat on the floor behind the counter and ate out-of-date cake.
We laughed at the price of gas and how we could never afford to buy a house.
We spoke about how we didn’t want children, but wanted to be pregnant, just once, just to know what it felt like.
As we said (link-reveal:"goodbye")[, I kissed her (link-reveal: "cheek")[, and my hands instinctively reached around (link-reveal:"her waist.")[
She grabbed them and pulled me [[closer. -> leon /27]]]]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[
[‘I can’t’ ]
(after: 1s)[I said, unconvincingly. ]
(after: 2s)[‘Nothing happened’ ]
(after: 3s)[[[she replied. -> leon /28]]
]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[
(after: 1s)[But then](after: 2s)[, of course,](after: 3s)[[[ it did. -> leon /29]]]
]When I got home, I first noticed (link-reveal:"the buzzing.")[
The familiar hum had been replaced by (link-reveal:"something else")[, a (link-reveal:"flickering,")[(link-reveal:" buzzing sound,")[ that intermittently turned into (link-reveal:"a hiss.")[
I turned the lights off and on and noticed it flying away through (link-reveal:"a window:")[
[[a bug, roughly the size of my thumb, dark brown, shiny and solid. -> leon /30]]]
]]]]]I couldn’t tell how many legs it had, but there were [[a lot of them. -> leon /31]]I closed the window and asked Leon about his day.
He grunted something unintelligible and turned to the next page in whatever [[Murakami novel -> leon/32]] he was ploughing through that week. He fell in love with a different writer every few months, and his current obsession explained his growing dislike of the women in his life.
I could only hope he’d stay away from underage girls, and prayed the bouncers at his bar would thoroughly check IDs.
I was grateful he looked older than his twenty years, and hoped he would move on to a new writer (link-reveal:"soon.")[
Someone a bit more agreeable, more (link-reveal:"gentle,")[ but I don’t think he liked either of those traits (link-reveal:"very much.")[
He appreciated them in women, [[of course. -> leon/33]]
]]] I asked him whether he’d seen the bug (link-reveal:"in the hallway.") [
Or if not seen, had he heard it (link-reveal:"throughout the day?")[
Had it been in the house (link-reveal:"long?")[
He looked at me as if I was [[insane. ->leon /34]]
]]](align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[‘Bugs fly in and out all the time. What does it matter?’]
(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")[(after: 2s) [I wondered the same thing, but couldn’t help feeling like it did. ]
(after: 4s)[‘I don’t want it to lay eggs or something. It looked dirty.’]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[(after: 6s)[‘Most bugs look dirty. Even lady bugs are quite disgusting up close.’]]
(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")[(after: 8s)[‘This wasn’t a lady bug.’ ]
(after: 9s)[I felt myself getting upset. ]
(after: 10s)[[[He didn’t understand.-> leon /35]]]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[‘I’ll keep the windows closed’
he relented. ]
(after: 4s) [The next morning, all the windows were [[wide open. -> leon /36]] ]A few days later, I woke up in the middle of the night, (link-reveal:"sweating.")[
I had dreamed of (link-reveal:"Sandra")[, and the way her hair smelled of [[black pepper and patchouli. -> leon /37]]
]] I went to (link-reveal:"the kitchen.") [
As I filled up my glass of water, I heard something (link-reveal:"rustling behind me.")[
[[I turned around. -> leon /38]]
]]Two bugs had gathered around the lightbulb, which we had never given a lamp shade.
They looked just as (link-reveal:"I remembered them")[, if not slightly bigger.
I took (link-reveal:"a step back")[ and felt something squelching underneath (link-reveal:"my left foot.")[
I didn’t have to look down to know what it was.
I wrapped some kitchen towel around my hand and scraped the dead bug remains off of the floor.
It felt warm in my hand.
I worried the other bugs would have noticed the (link-reveal:"death of their comrade")[, but they stayed [[in place. -> leon /39]]
]]]]I kept the kitchen light on as I went to the bathroom to clean up my foot.
I tried not to look at it too much, but the bug had been (link-reveal:"sticky")[ and some of its legs were particularly hard to get off. ]
I threw away the washcloth I used.
I did not want it to sully [[our washing machine. -> leon /40]]I went to bed wearing socks, and did not (link-reveal:"turn off the lights.")[
I was afraid of attracting the bugs, and wasn’t sure I hadn’t been covered with some sort of warning scent, a call to arms the bug had emanated as something big and dark covered its horizon.
I had heard of wasps doing so, and of cockroaches spreading out hundreds of eggs when squashed.
I couldn’t get these images out of my head, and my dreams were (link-reveal:"haunted")[ by the fluttering of tiny, transparent wings and the scuttling (link-reveal:"of legs")[,
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[so many
little
[[legs. -> leon /41]]
]]
]] In the morning, Leon made fun of my socks.
He kissed my (link-reveal:"armpits")[, after I covered them in a (link-reveal:"vanilla and coconut deodorant.") [
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[‘I could just eat you’
[[he said. -> leon /42]]
]]](align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[=
I smiled but feared that,
(after: 2s) [one day,]
(after: 3s) [[[he would. -> leon /43]]]Weeks went by and I forgot about the bugs (link-reveal:"for a while.")[
Except for when I [[showered. -> leon /44]] ]
I paid particular attention to scrubbing my left foot, but no matter how much I tried, a small black mark remained.
It looked like a drawing made by a child: the lines drawn too aggressively to make out what it was supposed to signify.
I decided it (link:"was some sort of allergic reaction.") [it would (link-reveal:"fade.")[
And then it started [[growing -> leon /45]]
]]My foot itched.
I struggled to concentrate at work.
I made mistakes in the rota.
(link: "I decided I needed to reset.")[
I took the afternoon off and went [[home. -> leon /46]]
]I covered myself in the (text-colour:#f03e3e)[sweetest] of smells and wore (text-colour:#f03e3e)[bright red] lingerie.
I opened (link-reveal:"the door ")
[and found Leon (link-reveal:"on the sofa")
[, pleasuring (link-reveal:"himself")
[, his eyes fixed on (link-reveal:"the window.")[
Naturally, I picked [[a fight. -> leon /47]]
]]]](align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[‘Who were you looking at?’
I asked him.
He did not reply.]
I couldn’t see anything that could possibly (link-reveal:"entice him:") [
no neighbours getting changed,
no couples making out behind hastily drawn [[curtains. -> leon /48]]]
I was (link-reveal:"angry") [ and (link-reveal:"aroused.")[
I took off my thong and sat on top of him.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[ ‘You smell nice’
he said. ]
We fucked, for a long time.
I liked fucking him in anger.
I scratched his back until (link-reveal:"he bled")[, and he mistook it for passion. ]
It was (link-reveal:"simple") [ and therefore fun. ]
My foot itched less [[afterwards. -> leon /49]]
]]One day, our landlady came in and asked about our electricity bill.
She’d received notice it hadn’t been paid for a few months and expressed her worry about us falling behind on rent as well.
I assured her that wouldn’t happen and called Leon.
(link:"He didn’t pick up his phone.") [He never picked up [[his phone.-> leon /50]]]I went to the bar he worked at and asked whether they could give him a few more shifts (link-reveal:"that month.")[
They laughed and said he hadn’t worked there for weeks.
(link:"He hadn’t handed in his notice either.")[
He had stopped showing up, and they had stopped assigning him work.
They were relieved, they said, as he’d been getting [[sloppy. -> leon /51]]]]
A customer had seen something crawling up the back wall, and had spread word of a cockroach infestation.
Three exterminators later, a lot of money had been (link-reveal:"spent")[, and [[nothing had been found. -> leon /52]]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")[‘Cleanliness is an important part of the job’
(after:2s)[they’d said, nodding their heads at one another. ]
(after: 4s) [‘I’m sure you understand.’]]
(after: 6s)[When I returned to the café, I assigned extra cleaning duties to everyone in the team.
The café remained bug-free, [[unlike our home. -> leon /53]]]That night, there were more of them than I had (link-reveal:"ever seen before.")[
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[Ten, maybe fifteen bugs flitted around the living room. ]
(link-reveal:"Leon read")[, seemingly oblivious to anything that was going on [[around him. -> leon /54]]
]]I tried to scream, but thought (link-reveal:"better of it.")[
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘They could fly into your mouth’, ]
I reasoned with myself.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘You don’t want to startle them.’ ]
I did not verbalise what I thought (link-reveal:"next.")[
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘You don’t want to [[anger them.’-> leon /55]]]]]
I remembered the bills, the conversation I needed to have.
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘Leon…’ ]
[[I started. -> leon /56]](align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[=He turned his head(after: 2s)[, smiling.]
(after: 4s)[A bug sat [[on his cheek.-> leon /57]]] I spent the night at Sandra’s house.
She stated the obvious.
'You should leave him.'
(align:"<==")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[
‘The lease is in my name.’
I responded. ]
‘So you tell him to leave’
she said,
as if it was that [[easy. -> leon /58]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[I knew it wouldn’t be [[that easy.-> leon/59]] ](align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[=
<!--
(text-colour:#d3f9d8)[(link-reveal:"Yes")[(set: $SFX to "Yes")]]
(text-colour:#ffe3e3)[(link-reveal:"No")[(set: $SFX to "No")]] -->
An audio-narrated/SFX version will be added in the near future, stay tuned!
//Please bear in mind this story has adult content//
(after:5s)[[[start ->leon /0]] ]I (link-reveal:"smiled")[ and took her clothes off.
(after:2s)[I wanted to feel her skin: ]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=======XXXXXX=======")[(after: 4s)[soft ]
(after: 5s)[and]
(after: 6s)[furry. ]]
(after: 7s)[She snored [[as she slept. -> leon /60]]]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[
(link-reveal:"leon
//a short story//")[<audio src="https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5bb1667877b903c77f5fee22/t/62d2de86e53ee104f951c7d3/1657986697939/leon+intro.mp3/original/leon+intro.mp3" autoplay>]
(after:24s)[[[Start->Practicalities]]]]
(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")[
<img src="https://www.artscouncil.org.uk/sites/default/files/download-file/grand_jpeg_white.jpg">]I thought about what it would be like to have tens of thousands of eyes, (link-reveal:"covering my head.")[
I wondered whether (link:"I would shave my hair off, or grow it long to keep them covered.")[ I would be able to close them (link-reveal:"at will.")[
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")[(text-style:"expand")[‘the things I could see’ ]]
(after:6s)[I thought, and finally [[dozed off.->leon/61]]]]]]I returned to the flat with a jumbo-sized can of bug repellant and a (link-reveal:"copy of our lease.")[
Leon opened the door in his pyjamas.
He looked chipper, more awake than I had seen him (link-reveal:"in a long time.")[
There were no bugs [[in sight. ->leon /62]]]]He kissed me as I (link-reveal:"walked in")[, as if completely unaware that I had spent the night (link-reveal:"somewhere else")[, with (link-reveal:"someone else.")[
He spoke to me about a (text-colour:magenta)[new signature drink] he was working on.
I asked him (link-reveal:"about his job")[ and he told me he’d start at a different bar (link-reveal:"soon.")[
(align:"<==")+(box:"=======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")[He needed more freedom,]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")[he said, ]
(align:"==>")+(box:"==XXX")[he had //specific// [[tastes. -> leon/63]]]
]]]]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[‘If one more person had asked me for a Pornstar Martini with a smile like they’d just invented the wheel, I would have thrown an ice bucket at them’
(after:3s)[he explained. ]]
(after: 5s)[I paid the bills from (link-reveal:"my savings.")
[ He never worked [[again.-> leon /64]]
]]
The mark on my foot had (link-reveal:"grown.")[
It covered the entire sole of my foot, and made it look permanently (link-reveal:"dirty")[, as if I’d been walking through the streets (link-reveal:"barefoot.")[
I often felt like I had.
(after:10s)[I got used to the itching, but sometimes a sharp pain shot through my foot, all the way up to my knee.
I distracted myself with [[work.->leon /65]]]
]]]Sandra got a new job and I saw her less and less.
I suspected she felt hurt that I had not (link-reveal:"left.")[
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[‘I tried’
I told her
but I knew I hadn’t.
[[Not really. -> leon /66]]
]]
I never knew what to expect when I went (link-reveal:"home.")[
Sometimes Leon would be (link-reveal:"his old self")[:
(after:4s)[he’d tell me about this or that book he’d loved,]
(after:6s)[he’d make us drinks ]
(after:8s)[and we would undress each other in a drunk stupor, ]
(after:10s)[a dance of fingers and tongues. ]
(after:11s)[On these nights, I wanted to forget all about [[my concerns. -> leon /67]]]]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[‘We are good’
I’d think.
‘I can make this work.’ ]
(after:4s)[I ignored how, afterwards, he would go to the bathroom and stay there (link-reveal:"for hours")[,
giggling to (link-reveal:"himself.")[
I hoped he was giggling to [[himself. -> leon /68]]]]]Then there were times when I could hear them before I had entered (link-reveal:"the house.")[
The rustling of wings against the ceiling,
the legs moving swiftly from wall to wall.
There seemed no logic in when they would appear:
they would be there, [[or they would not. -> leon /69]] ]When they were, there was nothing to be done.
They had made our house their home.
Leon had (link-reveal:"invited them in")[, and they had accepted his invitation.
When they overstayed their (link-reveal:"welcome")[, he had failed to do anything about it.
And so, [[they had stayed.-> leon /70]]
]]I tiptoed to the (link-reveal:"bedroom")[, the one room they did not seem keen to enter.
There, I would take off my clothes, clean my body with a bunch of wet wipes and attempt to (link-reveal:"sleep.")[
My dreams were plagued with an overwhelming feeling of dampness, and the majority of mornings I woke up (link-reveal:"moist.")[
On these nights, I did not notice Leon ever coming to bed.
He may have done, but I usually found him in the same places (link-reveal:"in the morning")[:
(align:"<==")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[on the sofa,
reading next to our peace lily, ]
(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXX")[or in the bathroom,
staring at his reflection [[in the mirror.-> leon /71]] ]
]]]]After a while, I stopped taking care of (link-reveal:"myself.")[
By this time, Sandra had ended things (link-reveal:"completely")[, and the bugs started showing up (link-reveal:"more")[ (link-reveal:"and more.
")[
I was in pain most of the time, and lived on prescription painkillers.
(after:10s)[Leon never asked about my newly developed limp. ]
(after:12s)[Leon never asked about anything [[at all. -> leon /72]]
]]]]]Our shower had become (link-reveal:"unusable")[, the drain clogged up with a foul-smelling slimy liquid. ]
My(text-colour:#faa2c1)[ perfume bottle] was (link-reveal:"empty")[ and I refused to (link-reveal:"buy a new one.")[
I threw it in our recycling bin, which was overflowing by this point.
I took it to [[our building’s bin store.-> leon /73]]
]] As I emptied our recycling into the large container,
I spotted something (link-reveal:"in the corner.")[
The bright (text-colour:yellow)[yellow ]and (text-colour:red)[red ]lettering of the bug repellant I bought weeks ago.
I had [[forgotten about it.-> leon /74]]] I felt my body fill up with a quiet, seething rage.
(after: 2s)[Leon did not leave the flat.]
(after: 4s)[Leon couldn’t cope with the outside world anymore. ]
(after: 6s)[Leon could not do the dishes.]
(after: 8s)[Leon could not get a job. ]
(after: 10s)[Leon could not buy groceries. ]
(after: 12s)[Leon could not cook our meals. ]
(after: 14s)[Leon could not scrub our toilet. ]
(after: 16s)[Leon could not unclog our drains.]
(after: 18s)[Leon could not pay our bills. ]
(after: 20s)[Leon could not get up in the morning.]
(after: 21s)[Leon could not sleep at night.]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[=(after:22s)[Leon needed me. ]
(after: 23s)[Leon depended on me. ]
(after: 24s)[Leon was having trouble adjusting.]
(after: 25s)[Leon] (after:26s)[ was trying] (after:28s)[ [[his best. -> leon /75]]]I grabbed (link-reveal:"the can") [ and shoved it in our emptied recycling bin.
As I walked up the stairs, I felt my ears (link-reveal:"burning.")[
I knew they would be there.
(after:6s)[I could [[feel it. -> leon /76]]]]]When I opened the door, the flat was quiet.
There were no bugs in sight.
Leon was midway// Infinite Jest// and looked content.
I put the recycling bin on the floor and [[walked towards him. -> leon /77]]He was humming.
(after:2s)[As I came closer, I realised he wasn’t humming. ]
(after:4s)[He was //buzzing.//]
(after:6s)[His eyes moved quickly from sentence to sentence, as if scanning the page for something specific. ]
(after: 8s)[He hadn’t noticed me, or if he had, he hadn’t shown any interest. This was common [[these days. ->leon /78]]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")[=
‘Leon’
I held out my hand and put it on (link-reveal:"his shoulder.")[
His nose scrunched up.
(after:4s)[‘You don’t smell very nice’
he said,
[[without looking up. -> leon /79]]
]]It happened quickly.
My anger raced from my stomach to my right hand, and propelled it against his cheek.
It felt (link:"good")[(link-reveal:"warm.")[
He looked at me [[in disbelief. -> leon /80]]]]
Something started trickling from his mouth.
(after:2s)[I was afraid I’d hit him too hard.]
(after:4s)[What if I had knocked out a tooth? ]
(after:6s)[[[I took a step back. -> leon /81]]]His mouth opened slightly.
It wasn’t blood trickling (link-reveal:"down his chin. ")[
It was a bunch of legs, wriggling their (link-reveal:"way out.")[
I screamed, covering my mouth with the back of my hand.
(after:6s)[More and more bugs fell out of his mouth, ]
(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")[(after:8s)[crawling, ]]
(align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[(after:9s)[ flying, ]]
(align:"<==")+(box:"====XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")[(after:10s)[ scuttling. ]]
(after:12s)[I stumbled away from him, frantically swatting [[the air around me. -> leon /82]]]]]
A sharp pain shot through my entire left leg.
I hadn’t taken my painkillers yet.
I fell to (link-reveal:"the ground")[ and instantly felt them all around me.
Scaly, shiny creatures, with sharp edges.
I fought them off [[as best I could. -> leon /83]] ](align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")[(after:3s)[‘The spray’ ]
(after:4s)[I thought. ]
(after:6s)[‘I have to get to the spray.’ ]]
(after:7s)[Just as a bug tried to climb (link-reveal:"into my ear")[, I hit it with a first waft of (link-reveal:"the can.")[
It screeched and scuttled away.
My ear smelled horrible, and some of the spray had landed in my eye, which stung.
(link-reveal:"I did not mind." )[
I sprayed all around me, wading my way through the sea of (link-reveal:"retreating bugs.")[
Leon still stood there, mouth agape, his arms hanging loosely, as if he were [[sleepwalking. -> leon /84]]
]]]]](align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘I’m sorry’
I said,
and aimed the spray right (link-reveal:"at his mouth.")[
He buckled over, grasping at his throat with both hands.
He looked like he was choking.
Maybe he was.
His body jerked around for a few minutes,
while I chased the last bugs [[out of the windows.-> leon /85]]]]When I turned (link-reveal:"back around")[, he looked very still.
I bent down to look at him and remembered how young he was.
He almost looked like a child, which frightened me.
His lips were curled up into a smile, and his eyes pointed nowhere.
I did not hear him [[breathe. -> leon /86]] ]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘Leon, please.
Leon, it’s over.’
I pleaded,
I begged. ]
(after:5s)[[[He did not wake up. -> leon /88]]](align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘Leon’
I called his name.
‘Leon, wake up.
Leon, it’s not funny anymore.’
He didn’t respond. ]
(link-reveal:"I started shaking him.") [
He felt cold.
Tears ran down my face, and panic overtook [[my anger. -> leon /87]]]I reached out to my phone to call an ambulance, when (link-reveal:"one of his eyes moved.")[
It looked around the room and landed on (link-reveal:"me.") [(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘I’m here, Leon, I’m right here with you’
I said]
and was repulsed by the stickiness of (link-reveal:"my own voice.")[
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘Blink if you can hear me’
I asked,
not knowing what else to do. ]
His eye rolled around the room once more and then (link-reveal:"stopped.")[
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘I’m calling an ambulance’
I told him. ]
[[He didn’t react. -> leon /89]]]]]]Then, his eye slowly popped out of its socket, (after:3s)[and lolled on (link-reveal:"his cheek.") [
Two bugs raced each other out of his limp body, towards (link-reveal:"the window.")[
I ran into the bathroom and threw up.
Yellowish bile filled the toilet bowl.
My entire body felt (link-reveal:"sore.")[
I desperately wanted [[a shower. -> leon /90]]]]]]
(after:4s)[I woke up the next morning on the cold bathroom tiles.
The room felt cleaner than it had (link-reveal:"for months.") [
I went into the living room to find Leon, but couldn’t see him [[anywhere. -> leon /91]]]]The dishes had been done, a laundry cycle was spinning in the machine.
Most of his books had been abandoned (link-reveal:"on the shelf.") [
I checked the bedroom, but didn’t see any hints as to [[where he could have gone. -> leon /92]]] After a few days, I gave up on (link-reveal:"wondering.")[
I moved out of the flat and found myself a flatshare closer to the city centre.
The landlady charged me extra for some unexplained in-depth cleaning, but at that point [[I did not care.-> leon /93]]]I called Sandra, whom I hadn’t seen in a while, and asked if she wanted to meet up (link-reveal:"later.")[
She said she hadn’t expected to see me again.
I told her I hadn’t expected her to say yes.
She asked me if I still hurt myself.
(link-reveal:"This puzzled me.") [
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[‘The marks on your foot’
she clarified.
[[‘Those were cigarette burns, right?’ -> leon /94]]
]]]
I hadn’t thought about them in a while.
I had assumed the pure shock had somehow overshadowed any residual pain I carried in my leg.
But as I removed my shoe and my sock, I felt somewhat free.
(link-reveal:"Careless, even.")[
[[The mark was gone. -> leon /95]]](align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[=I took a picture and (link-reveal:"sent it to Sandra.")[
She responded by saying she wasn’t into feet, but that she was pleased with my ‘progress’.
(after:8s)[I smiled at my phone and agreed.]]
(after:20s)[[[//leon. a short story.//-> credits]]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[written by
(link:"elise van lil")[(goto-url: 'http://elisevanlil.com/writing')]
supported by
(link:"a DYCP grant ")[(goto-url: "https://www.artscouncil.org.uk/DYCP")]
]
(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")[
<img src="https://www.artscouncil.org.uk/sites/default/files/download-file/grand_jpeg_white.jpg">]
<audio src="https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5bb1667877b903c77f5fee22/t/62d2de86e53ee104f951c7d3/1657986697939/leon+intro.mp3/original/leon+intro.mp3" autoplay>